EMS has two personalities: professional healthcare provider and barely-contained coping mechanism.
This post is about the second one.

Because if you’ve ever wondered why EMTs and medics sound like morally questionable pirates with a stethoscope… it’s not because we’re evil.
It’s because we’re tired. And the job is absurd. And the human body is a poorly-engineered meat aquarium that keeps finding new ways to fail.

So here it is: a salty, dark, EMS-style twist on “HR Approved” communication.
You’re welcome.

EMS HR Approved: The Field Guide to Informing Coworkers They’re Wrong

There are three ways to handle workplace stupidity in EMS:

1) The “No.” method

2) The “Meh.” method

3) The “HR Approved.” method

All three are valid. One keeps you employed. One gets you a “quick chat” with the supervisor. One turns into a screenshot in the group text.

1) The “No.” Method

This is the raw, unfiltered EMS brain. It’s fast, efficient, and technically a hate crime against workplace morale.

Examples:

“No.”

“Stop doing that.”

“If you do that again, I’m telling the patient you’re in charge.”

“That plan has the structural integrity of a gas station hot dog.”

The “No” method is popular because it saves time. It’s also popular because EMS attracts people who communicate like a crowbar.

2) The “Meh.” Method

This is the passive approach. You don’t stop the chaos. You just watch it unfold like a slow-motion training video nobody asked for.

Examples:

“Interesting choice.”

“Let’s circle back when that’s… less on fire.”

“I’m gonna let you finish that thought, and then I’ll tell you why it’s illegal.”

“I’m not saying that’s wrong. I’m just saying it’s brave.”

The “Meh” method is what you use when you’re too tired to argue and too experienced to be surprised.

3) The HR Approved Method (EMS Edition)

This is where you tell someone they’re wrong without saying, “You’re wrong,” or “You’re going to kill us,” or “Did you learn medicine from a fortune cookie?”

HR Approved templates you can actually use:

Instead of: “That’s stupid.”
Say: “Let’s walk through the risk on that approach.”

Instead of: “Absolutely not.”
Say: “I’m not comfortable doing it that way. Here’s the safer alternative.”

Instead of: “You’re making this worse.”
Say: “I think our current actions are increasing workload without improving outcome.”

Instead of: “Stop touching things.”
Say: “Let’s pause and assign clear roles so we don’t duplicate efforts.”

HR loves these because they sound like leadership. EMS loves them because they let you be sarcastic in a font HR can’t read.

Things EMS Learns That Aren’t in the Textbook

These are the “rules” that live in your bones after enough nights where the radio never shuts up.

Field truths:

1. People die. Sometimes loudly. Sometimes quietly. Never on your schedule.

2. You will not always win. Anyone promising otherwise is selling patches or delusion.

3. Blue is bad. Purple is worse. Gray means you’re already behind.

4. Air goes in and out. Blood goes around. When either quits cooperating, your shift gets spicy.

5. Gravity always wins. Ladders, motorcycles, stairs, roofs. Gravity stays undefeated.

6. If it felt good to say, don’t say it. Especially near family, supervisors, or body cams.

7. All bleeding stops eventually. Sometimes because you helped. Sometimes because time did.

8. “That’s not good” isn’t an assessment. Even if it’s emotionally accurate.

9. The loudest person is rarely the patient. But they are always part of the problem.

10. Every patient has eaten recently. The stomach is never empty at 0300.

11. Patient weight increases with: stairs, broken elevators, rain, and your last remaining shred of hope.

12. After midnight, sobriety becomes theoretical. If you don’t find the drunk, you haven’t looked hard enough.

13. The dead don’t improve. On the bright side, they’re consistent.

14. Patients don’t read textbooks. And they definitely didn’t memorize your protocols.

15. Unconscious patients are the most cooperative. Until they wake up and choose violence (verbally).

16. Most patients will outlive your knees.

17. If your driver yells “LOOK OUT,” you’re already in the “learning experience” phase.

18. If it’s stupid but it works, it’s now policy (unofficially).

19. “Accidental injuries” are wildly common. Fists, walls, and “fell on it” are repeat offenders.

20. Training teaches rules. Experience teaches exceptions. Experience also teaches you to stop arguing with reality.

21. Dispatch will eat lunch. Whether you do is between you and the EMS gods.

22. Patients who fall outside will relocate upstairs. Preferably to the farthest bedroom in a maze.

23. To estimate alcohol intake: take their number, multiply by two, add three, then reassess your faith in humanity.

EMS Sayings That Sound Terrible Without Context

These are inside jokes. Not medical advice. If you’re offended, consider a career with fewer humans in crisis.

• “You fall, we haul.”

• “Not my patient, no idea.”

• “We only drop people on Tuesdays.”

• “Racing the reaper.”

• “Couple of bumps.”

• “Horizontal taxi.”

• “Future customer.”

• “Vitamin diesel.”

• “Diesel bolus.”

HR Approved Translations (Technically)

This is where EMS turns sarcasm into “leadership language” so everyone can go home employed.

❌ “That’s stupid.”
✅ HR Approved: “Let’s review the risk and choose the safest option.”

❌ “Absolutely not.”
✅ HR Approved: “I’m not comfortable with that. Here’s an alternative that aligns with protocol.”

❌ “Stop touching things.”
✅ HR Approved: “Let’s clarify roles so we don’t duplicate tasks or miss critical steps.”

❌ “You’re making this worse.”
✅ HR Approved: “I don’t think this is improving outcomes. Can we adjust the plan?”

Final Thought (The Salty Medic Version)

EMS humor isn’t cruelty.
It’s compression.
It’s a pressure valve.
It’s how you keep doing a job where the stakes are real, the hours are fake, and the public thinks you’re basically Uber with oxygen.

If you don’t get it, that’s fine.
You weren’t on the truck.
You didn’t clear the scene and then go right back in service like nothing happened.
We did.

So we joke. We vent. We translate stupidity into “HR Approved” language and keep moving.
Because the calls don’t stop… and neither do we.